7 Ways Driving A Camaro For 5,000 Miles Has Changed Me*

"The Finker" (finker) 01/24/2016 at 18:00 • Filed to: Chevrolet, Camaro, Lists, Milestones, Cars, Cars and Trucks

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I was driving on Interstate 66 on my way home from work when it happened – the odometer on my 2015 Chevrolet Camaro clicked over and displayed 5,000 miles. Yes, since purchasing my !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! in October, I’ve put approximately 5,000 miles on the car, and in that time I’ve changed.

I’d like to think my metamorphosis is the result of my own growth and maturity as a human being; however, I have a feeling my transformation is directly linked to the Camaro.

1. Cigarettes

Back in college it wasn’t uncommon to catch me sucking on a cancer stick in-between classes; however, since graduating I’ve left that habit behind. And I’m damn proud of that fact, too.

But there’s something about looking out the windshield of my Camaro — and seeing the hood’s power-bulge in my periphery — that makes me want to light up a Marlboro, open the window, and drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hanging out the window with said lit cigarette clutched between my pointer and middle fingers.

So far I’ve refrained from lighting up, but I’d be a damn liar if I didn’t admit the thought of choking on tobacco smoke didn’t enter my mind every now and then these days.

2. Mullet

Before there was the man bun, there was the mullet. And thanks to the Camaro, I kind of want a mullet.

Fortunately, I don’t have the willpower to wade through the awkward stages of growing my hair out (which is weird, because the mullet IS nothing more than an awkward stage of growing one’s hair out); however, when Jefferson Starship’s “Jane” started playing through the Camaro’s speakers the other day (courtesy of the local classic rock station), I couldn’t help but think, “a mullet would truly complete this moment.”

3. Lynyrd Skynyrd

My 2015 Camaro 1LS came standard with a single-disc CD player, and right now it currently houses a copy of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s debut album, “pronounced ‘Lh-’nérd ‘Skin-’nérd”, which I found for sale at my local Goodwill the other week for $2.99. Free Bird!

4. Strip Clubs

This may have more to do with my recent venture back into the world of singledom, but I suddenly have an urge to check out the local titty bar. I’ve yet to go (because I prefer not to waste my money this way), but I should note that I never did have a strong desire to spend my money at the strip club until I became a Camaro owner.

5. ‘Murica

I know my Camaro was built in Canada, but ever since I was handed the keys to the big coupe I can’t hold back my desire to let others know how great America is. To quote Kenny Powers:

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called ‘patriotism.’”

Back in late-September I was feeling the Bern, but you know what? I’m starting to think that maybe Trump can make America great again.

6. Malt Liquor

Did you know Colt 45 malt liquor has an alcohol content of 6.1%, and that you can get a 40 oz. bottle for less than $3.00? I didn’t – until I bought the Camaro. Now I can’t get enough of the stuff.

7. Steak

The liberal media would like you to believe that the methane in cow farts helps fuel global warming, and that eating red meat in excess can lead to cancer. Well, don’t fall for it. As any muscle-car driving, red-blooded American knows, steak makes you virulent, which is exactly how you have to be if you truly want to make America great again.

*Yes, this is a piece of satire.

GE90man > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:04

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ahh you almost got me there

The Finker > GE90man 01/24/2016 at 18:12

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In this super sensitive world we live in these days, you can never be too careful

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:20

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This is quality oppo

ShelbyRacer78-Fusion Modifier > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:34

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Any thoughts about doing your sister or murdering someone?

Birddog > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:35

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Right on man!

$17000? That’s a heck of a lot of car for the money.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:41

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You’ve won Oppo tonight

yamahog > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:41

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Get back to me at 10k with the mullet in full bloom!

http://yamahog.kinja.com/six-months-of-…

The Finker > ShelbyRacer78-Fusion Modifier 01/24/2016 at 18:42

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I knew I missed something. Ever since I got the Camaro though, my brain don’t work as good either.

Tapas > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 18:47

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No speeding tickets? I’m surprised.

The Finker > Tapas 01/24/2016 at 18:55

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No comment

JCAlan > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 19:03

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You know, the alcohol to dollar ratio on that Colt 45 does sound fantastic. I may try it next time I have to buy booze on the budget of whatever change remains in my ash tray.

 > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 19:15

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8. Sleeping with your sister.

9. Murdering a hooker.

The Finker >  01/24/2016 at 19:18

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I think modern Camaro drivers know not to sleep with their sisters anymore. Cousins are still cool, though.

Under_Score > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 19:19

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Did you actually get a Lynyrd Skynyrd CD? I can’t believe this is satire; it actually seems like a true personal transformation.

dogisbadob > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 19:23

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Too bad the new Camaro doesn’t have t-tops :(

DoYouEvenShift > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 19:27

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Ive owned and currently own Camaros and I agree with 5 and 7.

shop-teacher > The Finker 01/24/2016 at 22:56

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I now have the very real urge to crank Skynyrd and eat a giant steak, charred rare thank you very much.

Jonee > The Finker 01/25/2016 at 03:08

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Don’t forget too short cut-off jean shorts.

Man, you stole that car, didn’t you? Figuratively, of course.

AkursedX > The Finker 01/26/2016 at 13:11

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“Did you know Colt 45 malt liquor has an alcohol content of 6.1%, and that you can get a 40 oz. bottle for less than $3.00? I didn’t – until I bought the Camaro. Now I can’t get enough of the stuff”

Mines not satire tough....